What a week

I was a Blogger of Note yesterday on my main blog for the Words of Wisdom writing group.  Very cool.
I've started adding more poems and short stories to that blog, just trying to keep it up beat.

The planet Mercury is in retrograde right now until the 12th of Sept. That means, communication and electronic break downs all over the board.

My mom goes in next month for eye surgery, so I know that will be taking up a big chunk of time.  I go for CTscans on my back the week after. 

And my dad.  For anyone who missed it the other day on my main blog,  he cut his fingers off.  Was drunk working with a table saw and sliced all four fingers on one hand nearly off and had to be in surgery for 6 hours.  

Yes my family is a mess.  Off to do the dishes.

Its not worth it

I decided to finally stop the wrestling blog.  For now anyway. 
If you have been reading this since the beginning, then you know that I was putting close to 20 hours a week into the blog and stressing to the point of being sick. 
I have no idea what happened in the last few days, but I lost favour with the main company I was writing for.  And remember I was doing this out of love as a fan.  Not even getting paid for it. 
I had been doing this now for the last few years, and had finally ironically, gotten noticed by my favourite company TNA,  and the big competition WWE.  The official review magazines and blogs had at one point even changed their style to match mine -no puns intended- and I thought I was coasting sweet.

I guess I pissed the wrong person off cause, the one person who seemed to be loving my shit, trashed me.
So I'm done for now.  Now what am I going to do with my life?

What is going on here?

Darius.
Not part of my life anymore.  Emailed me twice in the last 48hours.  Simply saying he knows he did nothing wrong.    That's fairly odd timing given that Mr. S. just seemed to do a 180. 

I'm not eating, I'm not sleeping and have lost nearly 6 pounds in less then 4 days because of this.  What is this? 
This was a blog.  Simple.  Just a blog.  It's caused me more grief in the last year then I could ever have imagined. 
I do not handle stress at all let alone well.

I have gone over my blog close to fifty times trying to understand what might have caused Mr. S. to go from using my topics and themes to saying what he said.   I just can not figure it out.  I haven't changed tactic at all.   This is eating me up alive. 
Then Darius sends me emails out of nowhere asking why I won't talk to him.  Telling me he's done nothing wrong. 

For anyone just coming into this mess at this point,  Darius and I were friends and business partners. We started a wrestling fan site together.  He left and I had another writer working with me.  That turned out to be a mistake.  About 4 months ago, Darius who had always been a big supporter of Mr.S. made a pass at me and I turned him down.  He then started to make comments about Mr.S. and trying to make me feel guilty.  Darius went from being the first one to say that Mr. S. liked me after I'd gotten the attention of the company to telling me Mr. S was too good for me and I should settle for what I could get, Darius meaning himself.
He's always drunk, always stoned, messages me from the bar at 2am, emails me in the morning to tell me he's hungover.  I stopped having anything to do with him.

Then I wrote a short story for a writers group, and said on my blog I used a piece of a comment Mr. S. had said once.  Figured he's used my stuff in the past why not eh.  One of the other wrestlers seemed to like it cause he turned the ending into a promo on the show.   I was thrilled. 
That was the first night Darius emailed me after over a month of nothing.  Drunk, begging me to talk to him. Thinking I was upset over something he did on Facebook. 

I was upset that he disrespected me by telling me I was not good enough for anyone but him. That I was not worth being with anyone other then a drunk local guy. 

This is my reputation on the line.  The blog was really starting to take off.  I had/have the attention of the people I admire and respect. And now it's in the toilet.  

Everyone who came into my life in the last year because of the wrestling blog has left me nothing but fear and headaches. 

And if Mr. S. is suddenly upset with me. Then all this is really really for nothing.

He's spooked

I don't know when it went wrong, but it did.
Mr. S. posted something this week that makes me think he's suddenly upset with me big time. Which is possible, given how much I bitch at him.
But this is different.  He made a comment that really hurt.  And now I do not know if he's angry, joking, or actually getting stressed.
Mel thinks I am being egotistical in thinking it was even directed at me. Which is possible. 
My sister the Goddess thinks he's just needing to take shit out on someone and I got hit in the process.
My friend the Nurse, thinks I'm reading it wrong and that he most likely meant nothing serious from it.
Jordan the Gay Guy, just shrugged and said that it was bound to happen.

To be honest, I feel like I was dumped or something.  We are talking about a column I have been doing for the last few years, that I have been lucky enough to have the people I write about reading and responding to.  But, this feels like a direct slap to the face. 

I really like Mr. S.  and I just do not want him hating me.  His opinion matters so much to me.

A dumping of bad energy

Everything has been on an upswing the last few weeks.

That was until about 3 hours ago.   I got an email from Mel and suddenly

• I found out one of my email accounts was empty.  3 years of notes from my spiritual studies gone, back ups of my novels gone, poetry gone, photos I had cleaned out of my computer gone,  old conversations from past boyfrinds gone.   Even the folder for everything was gone and my contact list.   Only thing there was a "welcome to your email here is the start up"  email from them
• I have not had any headaches or sinus issues for the last 3 and a half weeks since getting a reiki session done.  I feel like my face is going to explode now. Like my jaw and left eye are pulsating.
• My plans for the weekend which were to see Eat Pray Love  have been rescheduled because of the main person going out of town.

It's as if the energy in his email set off a whirlwind of chaos.

Aug 5th 2010

I was trying to keep it separate.

I thought, things have gotten too much, the wrong people have been reading me and I can no longer be honest.

So I created this blog.  Anonymous.  

Well, it was at first.  Then I got comfortable and opened up more then I had planned.  Soon, things got blended again.

Like my Facebook and Twitter.  I had the old accounts and when I created this blog, I created new ones for my blog buddies.  
People started to wonder what happened to me. Why I stopped using them.   Some I had to tell about the new accounts, some I have not.  
I've heard so many people, mostly women,  say on the blogging communities that they regret having given out blog/facebook/myspace/twitter urls to certain people.  I know how they feel.  I thought I had dealt with everything I needed to deal with  but sadly it seems today I have not.

I no longer know what I am doing.   I no longer know where my head is at or my heart for that matter.

Confusion, Chaos and Cookies (I needed another "C" word) seems to be the order of the day.

I think I need to leave for a while

I've just finished 2 of the book reviews that were pressing down on me, and an interview with one author.

My sister's boyfriend has indeed proposed to her. And since he's in the middle of his divorce from his first wife, it's going to be at lest a year but it's coming.

My doctor thinks I have a few fractures in my lower back and hips.  I'm going for x-rays today to find out more. 

My dad called out of nowhere yesterday saying he's got cancer and it's really bad.  This is a man who I haven't heard from in 10 years and who spent the first 26 years of my life telling me why he wished I was dead.

And Mr. S.  is dating someone else.