Aug 5th 2010

I was trying to keep it separate.

I thought, things have gotten too much, the wrong people have been reading me and I can no longer be honest.

So I created this blog.  Anonymous.  

Well, it was at first.  Then I got comfortable and opened up more then I had planned.  Soon, things got blended again.

Like my Facebook and Twitter.  I had the old accounts and when I created this blog, I created new ones for my blog buddies.  
People started to wonder what happened to me. Why I stopped using them.   Some I had to tell about the new accounts, some I have not.  
I've heard so many people, mostly women,  say on the blogging communities that they regret having given out blog/facebook/myspace/twitter urls to certain people.  I know how they feel.  I thought I had dealt with everything I needed to deal with  but sadly it seems today I have not.

I no longer know what I am doing.   I no longer know where my head is at or my heart for that matter.

Confusion, Chaos and Cookies (I needed another "C" word) seems to be the order of the day.

I think I need to leave for a while

I've just finished 2 of the book reviews that were pressing down on me, and an interview with one author.

My sister's boyfriend has indeed proposed to her. And since he's in the middle of his divorce from his first wife, it's going to be at lest a year but it's coming.

My doctor thinks I have a few fractures in my lower back and hips.  I'm going for x-rays today to find out more. 

My dad called out of nowhere yesterday saying he's got cancer and it's really bad.  This is a man who I haven't heard from in 10 years and who spent the first 26 years of my life telling me why he wished I was dead.

And Mr. S.  is dating someone else.

Wednesday July 21

Doorbell rang, woke me up.  Another book for review arrived by FedX
I'm already 2 weeks behind and have 3 other books sitting here.  

I haven't been to anyone's blog in about three weeks to visit, and I need to.

I wrote a short story on my Domestic and Damned blog, for Mr. S.  a piece of it was used on the show by one of the other wrestlers.   I was so excited I can not tell you.  It's not just Mr. S. anymore who likes my work.

As I checked my emails this morning,  there was a request from another writer asking to freelance on my vampire themed blog.   I checked out their stuff but I said no,  I am not looking to share any of my blogs with anyone again.  Just wondering how my blog got listed for a freelancer anyway?

And to cap off everything.    Men.
I was asked out on the weekend by a new guy. Another single dad.  I said yes to coffee, but he canceled last minute Saturday night.  I'm not really surprised or upset for that matter.  He just was not my style. 
Darius.  Darius whom I have not spoken to in a month because of his tantrum over Mr. S.  he emailed me Thursday night out of the blue acting as if nothing was different.  That seems to be his pattern.  I did not reply to him.  He emailed me again on Sunday.  I did not reply to him.  Then last night he emailed me saying he was talking to my mother. 

What the hell?  My mother?  Because I would not return an email. So I replied telling him off.  Within a few minutes he sent another email begging me not to shut him out. 
I was on chatting with Mel when all this happened, and Mel could not believe it either. 
And this is a guy I was only friends with.  If he acts like this with me, then no wonder his girlfriend dumped him. 

Coffee is ready going to have a very large cup and try to wake up. 

Where did the week go .... Again?

I spent the day shopping with mom, which is torture for me.  I hate shopping with other people and shopping with mom is like the slowest form of death there is for the soul.

My sister the Goddess's boyfriend has to go in for surgery after the long weekend; which starts today here in Canada as it's Canada Day (July 1st) He's been having horrible gallstone attacks for the last two months.  The doctor has put him on Morphine and it's done nothing to help the pain.  He's been in the emergency twice this week alone.  Gotten so bad HIS mother has come to stay with them, and she lives in another province.  What a way for my sister to meet his mother Eh?

Darius... no longer a friend of mine.  After not hearing from him last week, which I did not think anything of at all as he goes hours between texting; I saw that he removed himself from my friends list on Facebook.   No one is really crushed over it either I must say.  If he's going to react that way then who the hell needs him.  Sometime in the last 6 months Darius let his true self come through, and it just was not a nice one.  He himself would sit there telling me he needed to stop drinking.  When I would say then "Do not go to the bar. Do not buy that case of beer."  he would tell me to save my breath. 
Okay, consider my breath saved.  He even said to me the night of the wrestling that I was not "Good enough  for Mr. S."   big turn around considering he was the one just last summer cheering on Mr. S. like he was the greatest thing since sliced bread. 

Mr. S.   What can I say about him other then "ooppps he did it again"  Two days after I posted on this blog last week, Mr. S. posted on his blog for the week, and he once again pulled something right out of my blog.    Damn it feels good.   I had talked about how Mr. S. had sparked something for my novel, breaking me out of a long writer's block, talking about the scene I wrote and having to do with cereal.  Mr. S.  ran with that for the whole post.  Just yammered on about cereal.
I've made a few posts this week that are directed to Mr. S.  So we'll see if he replies in his post tomorrow.

Otherwise,  it's been a slow week with me trying to catch up with the book reviews.  I got another stack of books from a new publishing company last week, and another company (I think that makes 6 now?)  just asked me yesterday if I would start reviewing a new series of theirs that is being released next month.    That's 7 books I have to review before the end of Aug.  

Where did the week go?

My sister the Goddess has gone out and bought herself a ring.  It's gold with stones lining it.  She's wearing it on her left hand ring finger.   Someone asked her about it the other day when we were leaving mom's apartment, one of mom's neighbours, and my sister simply said "If I had to wait for him to buy it I would be waiting forever. Not that he wouldn't just he can't"  
It looks too much like a wedding ring.   Her boyfriend is still legally married and the divorce is looking like it will be dragging on for a very long time to come, as his ex (can I call her ex if the divorce is not final?) is putting up a massive fight. 
The more I get to know this guy, the less like a bad guy he seems; and my sister is really happy for the first time in her life.
But you know what I really hate about the whole thing, and it's a selfish thing; my sister is 8 years younger then me and she's got the solid relationship, the fabulous apartment, the great career and the wicked group of friends.    YOUNGER then me.  And here I am still struggling. Still single, still living in the same shabby run down apartment that was my first apartment.  


I got a texted last night from Darius, whom I haven't really heard from since the week of the wrestling.  The texted simply said  "U still alive?"   I messaged back saying I was and he texted back asking what I've been up to.   My answer was busy with stuff and pissing off Mr. S. 
Darius never bothered to message me back.    I don't know when the shift happened, but Darius who used to be the one always saying that Mr. S likes me,  has become very snappy and even angry towards Mr. S.

Mel says Darius is jealous.  
Speaking of Mel, he and I were talking about a bunch of things and I jokingly said "maybe Mr. S is shy." Mel quickly jumped in saying that he knows Mr. S is shy, that it's obvious  when he does interviews.   I have never thought of Mr. S as shy before, but going back over old interviews from the last two years, I can see it now. 

And the pissing off Mr. S part, well, my last post I talked about a blog post Mr. S had done that was as if it was a continuation of one of mine.  I did a long blog post on my Domestic and Damned blog few days ago talking about that whole issue, then took a slice of his post from a few weeks back and did my own spin on it as part of a short story. 
Just to see what kind of reaction I will get out of him.   

What is he doing?

I posted stuff on my Facebook. My profile, my stuff. I got a notice from there in my emails last night saying that Darius had tagged people in my photos.

What? He could do that?

When I went in and looked at the photo and the tag in question. When I hit the tag it took me to someone else's photo album. He took a copy of my photo used it on his own profile and gave a copy to his buddy.

I got mad and deleted the tag. Then sent an email to him asking what was up? I don't know the guy he tagged.

I had been chatting with Mel and Joshua last night when this all went down. Both feel that Darius is getting creepy.
Joshua's reaction was "That's something a boyfriend does."
Joshua did not know about the wrestling text messages so I filled him in on it. Joshua was not happy. (for those who haven't been filled in on me and Joshua, we have an on again off again internet thing)

And why is it just when things sort out with one of my male friends, crap starts up with another?

Shutting the door on your EXfiles

I was sitting here just now, having a coffee and watching an old episode of Sex and the City.
It was the one where Carrie has to deal with Berger's reaction to his ex calling.
It got me thinking. I started what was my main blog right after my last break up that was three years ago. 90% of that blog was about my two biggest relationships, and every one night stand.

I have done maybe 2 posts on my new blog since about that time in my life. I think moving from my old blog to the new one was really really needed.

Anyone who's been reading this blog for the last few months, know that I was in a panic about what was happening with being cyber stalked by a former friend. I felt sick from the idea of them spending more time on that blog then I was.
Now, maybe it was a good thing. As I would never have moved on from that blog, and I would have kept going on and on and on about those relationships.

So this is me, shutting the door on my EXfiles. Here's to a clean start.

The Invitation I did not want

Two things.

1) I got an internet invite to link up anything I had done in regards to the wrestling the other night. The invite was a group one from the guy who was promoting the show. So I did. Hey, I'm trying to network my wrestling blog so what better way right? Right. Now, I'm getting a lot of hits locally from that group to my main blog and not the wrestling one. Why? Because I did a review of the show on my new wrestling blog and I did a personal post on my Domestic and Damned blog that was more my buddies and I goofing around, but I linked them both. What I didn't know is that the link to the personal blog was put higher in the ranks because there is more posts on it. So everyone is bypassing the wrestling blog and missing the reviews.
That sucks.

2) I had gotten a text the night of the event from my buddy Darius. He was acting odd. This was near the end of the night, so far to that point he'd been... not his self. But then again, he was hanging around with a group of his bar buddies so you know men when they are in a pack.
The text I got from him went like this

"All this wrestling making me horny. Let's f**k in the bathroom"

WHAT? Um WHAT?
I texted back that he was a goof. I didn't take him serious, why would I? Few minutes later, he texted me again asking for a Blow job. You have got to be kidding me!
I texted back saying "You're Not Mr. S.!"
That seemed to shut him up for the moment.

The end of the event and the lights came up and I got a chance to get a photo of one of the wrestlers. When I caught up with Darius few minutes later, I was still swooning from the small chat/photo opt of the wrestler, and having been flirting with my hair stylist who had been sitting beside me all night.
Darius leaned over and said "You look happy what's up?" when I showed him the photo I'd just taken his attitude changed and his voice got loud. "Well, maybe HE'LL have some bathroom time with you"

I hit Darius. Hit him hard too. One of his boys turned and invited me to go for drinks with them which I turned down the offer. Sadly, they ended up bumping into the wrestlers at that pub and all got to hang with them. But, that pub was clear cross the other end of town from my place. Had I gone with them I would have missed the last bus to my end of town and I did not have any cab fare.

I had no idea Darius was even slightly interested in me. We've been friends for a year, but after that exchange, I'm not so sure anymore.

The Sex and the City Countdown

I've started doing a few posts on the Domestic and Damned blog that are SATC themed.

I'm going to try to get at lest one done a day leading up to the release of SATC2.

The poached egg scene

You know in the film when Julie says she's never eaten an egg and then the next few minutes of the film is about the poached eggs.

It's the dinner table chat in the next scene that I'm on today. 
Where she asks "What does it mean if you don't like your friends?"   and the other girl says it's normal.

That's how I am feeling.
As I posted few days ago, I've decided to re-issue my vampire themed review blog.  All vampire movies/books, and stupidly asked the opinion of my buddy Mel.  It might seem like a silly thing to anyone reading but the whole thing got me thinking.

In a real "time to evaluate my life"   thinking.
I had to ask myself, what am I getting from my current friendships other then headaches?  I came up with zero, nothing, zip-a-dee-doo-da. 

When do you know it's time to move on? 

This past Sunday was mother's day, and I ended up having to go to my sister's for a bit because they were doing lunch for mom there.   If you've been reading this blog at all, you know my Sister the Goddess has moved in with her boyfriend the Married Man (yes he's FINALLY after 2 years asked his wife for a divorce) so this was more to show off the new digs then anything else.   Great coffee though, I have to hand that to them. He has it imported from Vancouver and grinds it himself. Fancy.  Oh yeah, he's loaded.  I see why my sister is with him. Yeah that visit was painful for a few reasons, one being the "and then we got this it's $700 and this painting was $200"  the other reason I messed up my back last week and can barely stand up right.  Fun times.

Her and I started to talk about books which is the one thing no matter what we're both passionate about.  This little light hearted giggle fest lead me to ask what night we were going to Sex and the City 2.   At that point my sister the Goddess, diverted her eyes and said she was going opening night with a friend from work.

Why the hell didn't she tell me this before?  She could have texted me and said that her friends wanted her to go, but she let me think for the last month we were going together . 

Well, I am thinking this might be a good day to try to make poached eggs.  I've never tried yet.

From the bottom of my coffee cup

Photo by ME copyright hcvp'09

Scuff scuff scuff that's the sound of me going to the kitchen to make coffee.

I have new downstairs neighbours. Or neighbour. Not too sure if it's one guy or not. He's/They are quiet so that's good.
The last ones to live below me was a teenaged couple. I feel sorry for that guy. So noisy with the music and the video games and the animalistic sex. I was blaming the guy for all the music and video games at 3 in the morning. Ends up it was the girlfriend. I was complaining about the noise the other week to Mel, and when I got up to make a coffee, I saw the guy's car was gone. Remembered he was out of town. Stopped, still leaning on the counter waiting for my coffee to finish and saw the door open to the building. The girl came out with some other guy who was not her boyfriend and was making out with him in the parking lot till a taxi came for him. They broke up and moved out last week. I feel sorry for the guy, I really do.

Mom has an appointment this morning for x-rays. If we can figure out what bus to take we might make it on time.

And the Starbucks instant coffee... I had this sample and well, it just did not stack up to even the grocery store brand.

Family fun time?

Text message read like this  "We're having mother's day brunch at our new place next sunday. You're invited."

My sister the Goddess.  I called my mom to ask her if it was her idea.  She swears it's not. I said more then once that my sister and I don't really talk.  I honestly don' t know if I can sit through an hour with her and her boyfriend the Married Man and his kids.

You are who you hang with

They say you can judge a lot about a person by the people they call friends.   I know I have judged people that way in the past, so I know I've been judged that way.

I wonder what my current friendships have to say about me?
Hmm... Well, first let's break them down into two main categories shall we.  

1. Offline or the physical world
2. Online friends

Okay, so my physical world friends include my friend the Nurse, my friend in Edmonton, Darius, my buddy GT  and the Wiccan. 
My buddy GT lives in Toronto as does the Wiccan, and well my friend in Edmonton lives in Edmonton.  That is a 27 hour Greyhound bus ride if I ever want to see them, so that just doesn't happen. It's been 3 years since I got to see any of them.
My friend the Nurse lives in town, but she works shift work and we only get to see each other twice a year once in the summer and once at the holidays. 
Darius spends all this time with his band and whomever his latest girlfriend is so I rarely see him. 
Not much friend time.  

Now, both the Nurse and my friend in Edmonton (I am not even sure if I've mentioned her on here before or not, and I'm just too lazy to look through the blog)  they are my oldest friends.  Known them for 30 years (Nurse) and 25 years (Edmonton) both have been married for over a decade. The Nurse = 16 years married.    Edmonton = 12 years married.    Both have 3 kids, ironically both had 2 girls and 1 boy.  Ironically both had twins.  

And my online friends  are Mel, Social Disorder Girl, Blog Partner, Joshua.
SDG is married with 4 kids, Mel is single but crazy about this one chick who he does not have the guts to tell, BP is married and Joshua is single.
SDG, BP and Joshua are very skeptical with everything and very negative.  Lately, I just don't want anything to do with them. They are people I have only ever known on the internet.

So what has brought this up today ?    Couple of things.  One, was an article I read on Yahoo.ca that talked about how men react to your friends, and today's Book Club meeting.  I blogged about that over on the new blog here 
I got more then excited about the idea of maybe meeting a new friend.
She seems very professional in everything she does, and the fact she has a masters degree in English Lit, as well as working on her Law degree made me feel, well like a slug. But, the more we talked, the more we found we have in common. 

Photo by Me copyright hcvp'07

Friends and Lovers

Okay, not too sure where to go with this one. I know what's sitting in the back of my mind, and I know what I kind of want to get across. Just so you know, it is 6 PM as I start this, let's see how long it takes me to sort out my head.

You know that old joke "Coffee Tea or Me" well, because of a conversation with my buddy Mel, I decided to post a poll on my other blog. Our conversation was about how more men are drinking tea then coffee.
He hit my blog for something else and decided to vote on the poll. Guess what he picked. Yeah, kinda shocked me that he voted for well, me. I let him know he isn't my type. Which I thought he had already known. He's been extremely quiet all day.

I have this rule of not mixing my male friendships with sexual ones. I keep them separate, very separate. I can't even tell you why I do.
No that's not completely true, I do things this way so that when I do find that guy who I am both sexually attracted to and respect beyond everything, I'll know I've finally found the right guy.

You're wondering if Mr. S. is that guy. I'm wondering it too.

I've never had a conversation with Mr. S. Unless of course you count my blog and the stuff he's done on the show/written in his blog lately. Never met him. But I respect him and think him to be the greatest thing since well, sliced bread.


Here's what I'm getting at after all this; everyone of my friends say that your mate should be your best friend. Only one of my friends actually says that her husband is. Everyone else says "they should be but they're not"

Am I on the right track? Am I loosing my mind?

Mel, my buddy Darius and even my mom all think that Mr. S. is trying to cryptically ... keep my attention.
SDG and Joshua do not.
In a really really weird way, I feel like I am friends with Mr. S.

Okay, it's 9PM and I still have no clue what I'm trying to say.

I don't know what to say

"Did you read Mr. S's blog this week?"  Darius asked.
"I did and I'm trying to pretend it doesn't say what I know it says."  I replied.
"You have an uncanny ability to make a big deal about nothing just be yourself forget the consequence"  Darius retorted.

Okay let me fill you all in on this.  Mr. S. is in a band on his free time.  Darius finds this very funny as he himself is a drummer, and he knows how I feel about the whole music scene.  I've talked about Deacon before on here, my ex who ripped me apart.  Deacon was/is a musician/dj/actor here in town.  I've been around musicians for most of my life between my older cousin Billy, to my ex Deacon, to my buddies GT, Mr. B. and their band back in high school/college and their bands since, and now Darius.  I've seen the way things are handled in that life.  Finding out Mr. S. is in a band kind of shattered my reality the other day.

Just when it looked like maybe just maybe things were hitting a positive note it all falls flat.

I swear my mother hates me

For those of you who have been reading off and on lately, my rants, you know I headed over to my mothers the other day to bake as my oven was busted.

While I was there, we sat down to watch tv while we waited for the bread to rise.
It went like this.

"That's right there is a cooking show now on this channel." mom said flipping the channel at warp speed.

"I see they have really jumped on the foodie bandwagon, going for that MTV generation Eh?" I mindlessly said while trying to drink my coffee that was too hot. "Having a teenager host a cooking show."

"She's not a teenager! She's a MARRIED woman!" mom said huffily.


So it would seem to my mother, that being married is the magickal element that makes everyone either in the plus category or minus.
I am in the minus. My sister the Goddess, who even though she's living with her boyfriend the Married Man, and is 8 years younger then I am, is still in the plus. Oh it gets worse. I could sit here and tell you about the last 36 years of my life (yes I am only 3 short days away from being the big 3-6 so might as well start referring to myself as that age) and how mom has showered my sister with everything under the sun and literally forgotten me at times... but I'm a big girl now so...

P.S. the cooking show host is only 21. Just barely out of her teens.

A second opinion

I received back half my novel from the editor. The rest is suppose to be coming to me after the weekend.
The first page was bleeding it was so red. After that point, there was barely anything touched. Does this mean I am a better writer then I thought or that my editor is not that good?
I am going to say I am a better writer then I even thought.

With that said, I was talking to my friend's mother. She's a retired English teacher. I sent her a copy of my unedited novel. Yes, I am cheating on my editor with an English teacher. Why? Well, I need a second opinion, as I found out that not only is spelling different from Canadian to American, but so is the way punctuation is done too.

I had no idea. Given that my novel is set in Canada, and will be marketed to a Canadian audience, I need to have all my bases covered. The good point in this is that my friend's mom is doing this for free.
My editor, I have to pay.

I was also talking to my buddy Mel tonight too about something totally different.

"You ever think that Mr. S. legally can not reply to your blog?" Mel said

I thought about this for the first time ever. "What?"

"Yeah, didn't you say that one of the guys from the other company has a disclaimer on his official site saying he's legally not allowed to interact on the net with fans? So wouldn't that hold true for the company Mr. S. works for?"

Oh my god.
This could explain a lot.

"Not saying that Darius, SDG, myself are wrong about him liking you." Mel continued "Cause I am more and more positive that he does. Just from the last thing he did to screw with your head. I think it's his way of replying to your blog."

This is what I love about Mel. He is the voice of reason at the weirdest times. Had he said this to me even 6 months ago, I would have handled the way I write my main blog different.

Love/Hate

Joshua and I got into a massive fight last night.
Over, you guessed it, wrestling. I swear it will be the death of me yet it will.

He's easing himself out of the business, and I am still trying to get into it. From a writer's point of view. If you have been reading this much then you know I have O.I. (there is a link to the wiki page on the sideboard) and could never in a million years be a wrestler.

Sad pathetic little me.

Anyway, the fight was pretty typical of us. This in turn became the topic of the evening with SDG.
Who does not care for Joshua anyway. SDG thinks Joshua is a bad influence on me. Then again SDG thinks everything and everyone are bad influences on everyone and everything to begin with.

So all my friends hate each other. But since most of them are only in my life right now by internet, it doesn't matter socially speaking.

But the fight got me thinking. If I can't agree with someone on a topic that is fairly small in regards to the big picture; will I ever be able to have a good relationship with a man?
Am I relationship material if I can't get out of my own personal space?

I know I will never be mommy material, that is just not who I am. But is it time to give up on the idea of ever being married?

If my friends refuse to support me career wise, and I am so quick to fight them on it, can I ever be stable with a long term relationship?

SDG's husband, just thinks Joshua does not want to admit Mr. S. might be a possibility in my life.

I am starting to feel like I fell down a rabbit hole. Only instead of Wonderland, it's Wrestlemaina.

It's just a scratch

The Nurse's husband poo-pooed me the other day. Told me that maybe I hurt Mr. S 's feelings with my main blog and the fact I am always going on about someone else.
I had to stop and think about this. It's possible. I know when I wrote few months back about wrestler #3 on one of my other blogs (remember I have more then one account and more blogs then I care to count) Mr. S cut a promo shortly after that made direct remarks to a comment I had written about not having had the belts.

This is getting complicated.

I started to think of a line in one episode of Sex and the City when Carrie is out with a new gay friend and Stanford ends up hurt, and she says "I was so busy with my new gay boyfriend that I forgot about my gay husband"

I am suddenly feeling this way after what the Nurse's husband said to me about my blog.
Only it's more a case of "I was so busy with my new Internet boyfriend I forgot about my Internet husband."
I have always figured that being in the business they are, nothing rattles them. It seems I am totally wrong. I know awhile back Darius had said Mr. S. likes me. But I sort of pushed it off as Darius trying to make me feel better, now I am honestly wondering. Did I hurt Mr. S 's feelings and if so how much?
I did a post on my main blog the other day about it, some of the feedback was positive, some not so much.

It's weird to care about someone you have never actually met, who you only know a small part of. But us bloggers do it every day with each other, so how would Mr. S. be any different if he's reading me so often?
I can honestly say I have been going in circles emotionally for the 2 days thinking about this.

But You Really Are Huge In Europe

I was sitting here having a good day. Checking messages, when I got an invite from Sophia the Wannabe Socialite.
She's directing a play here tomorrow night at the community theater. Nothing out of the ordinary on that. As I was reading the invite, I spotted something. Deacon's name in the cast list.
This was bad.
I sent an email that went pretty much like this to her "You actually f**cking expect me to come to a play that is starring Deacon are you f**ked in the head?"

I have said before that I have a temper. I don't even want to know how long they have been friends/coworkers/etc that they are. I see nothing but red when it comes to Deacon.

Clearly after 6 years I am still not totally over the whole thing. Seriously, he had me believing he was going to marry me and then poof, he walked out and I spot him 6 months later with another woman. Literally. He made comments about a future together, and then said he needed to go to the store for cigarettes on his way to work and that was it. Never came back.

I just spent pretty much the last two hours spitting nails. Blog Partner picked today to email me, and I had to vent on someone. BP kept reminding me that even though Sophia "may or may not" be involved with Deacon, they will never make it out of this crappy city and I on the other hand, have gotten the attention of Mr. S, as well as having regular readers world wide cause of the wrestling blog.
True. Very true. I am running a wrestling blog that not only is read by wrestling fans, but by the wrestlers themselves and the companies they work for. And have been linked to Mr. S's official website as well having had my blog posts not only turned into story lines on the show more then once (big love to whoever it is that read my stuff and thought I was good enough to use) but two of the biggest "official spoiler" sites have started "blog wars" with me.
Which is good in the fact it means the guys who get paid to blog about it see me as an equal. I'm moving up in the world.

When I look at it in black and white, there is no reason to see red.