What is going on here?

Darius.
Not part of my life anymore.  Emailed me twice in the last 48hours.  Simply saying he knows he did nothing wrong.    That's fairly odd timing given that Mr. S. just seemed to do a 180. 

I'm not eating, I'm not sleeping and have lost nearly 6 pounds in less then 4 days because of this.  What is this? 
This was a blog.  Simple.  Just a blog.  It's caused me more grief in the last year then I could ever have imagined. 
I do not handle stress at all let alone well.

I have gone over my blog close to fifty times trying to understand what might have caused Mr. S. to go from using my topics and themes to saying what he said.   I just can not figure it out.  I haven't changed tactic at all.   This is eating me up alive. 
Then Darius sends me emails out of nowhere asking why I won't talk to him.  Telling me he's done nothing wrong. 

For anyone just coming into this mess at this point,  Darius and I were friends and business partners. We started a wrestling fan site together.  He left and I had another writer working with me.  That turned out to be a mistake.  About 4 months ago, Darius who had always been a big supporter of Mr.S. made a pass at me and I turned him down.  He then started to make comments about Mr.S. and trying to make me feel guilty.  Darius went from being the first one to say that Mr. S. liked me after I'd gotten the attention of the company to telling me Mr. S was too good for me and I should settle for what I could get, Darius meaning himself.
He's always drunk, always stoned, messages me from the bar at 2am, emails me in the morning to tell me he's hungover.  I stopped having anything to do with him.

Then I wrote a short story for a writers group, and said on my blog I used a piece of a comment Mr. S. had said once.  Figured he's used my stuff in the past why not eh.  One of the other wrestlers seemed to like it cause he turned the ending into a promo on the show.   I was thrilled. 
That was the first night Darius emailed me after over a month of nothing.  Drunk, begging me to talk to him. Thinking I was upset over something he did on Facebook. 

I was upset that he disrespected me by telling me I was not good enough for anyone but him. That I was not worth being with anyone other then a drunk local guy. 

This is my reputation on the line.  The blog was really starting to take off.  I had/have the attention of the people I admire and respect. And now it's in the toilet.  

Everyone who came into my life in the last year because of the wrestling blog has left me nothing but fear and headaches. 

And if Mr. S. is suddenly upset with me. Then all this is really really for nothing.

He's spooked

I don't know when it went wrong, but it did.
Mr. S. posted something this week that makes me think he's suddenly upset with me big time. Which is possible, given how much I bitch at him.
But this is different.  He made a comment that really hurt.  And now I do not know if he's angry, joking, or actually getting stressed.
Mel thinks I am being egotistical in thinking it was even directed at me. Which is possible. 
My sister the Goddess thinks he's just needing to take shit out on someone and I got hit in the process.
My friend the Nurse, thinks I'm reading it wrong and that he most likely meant nothing serious from it.
Jordan the Gay Guy, just shrugged and said that it was bound to happen.

To be honest, I feel like I was dumped or something.  We are talking about a column I have been doing for the last few years, that I have been lucky enough to have the people I write about reading and responding to.  But, this feels like a direct slap to the face. 

I really like Mr. S.  and I just do not want him hating me.  His opinion matters so much to me.

A dumping of bad energy

Everything has been on an upswing the last few weeks.

That was until about 3 hours ago.   I got an email from Mel and suddenly

• I found out one of my email accounts was empty.  3 years of notes from my spiritual studies gone, back ups of my novels gone, poetry gone, photos I had cleaned out of my computer gone,  old conversations from past boyfrinds gone.   Even the folder for everything was gone and my contact list.   Only thing there was a "welcome to your email here is the start up"  email from them
• I have not had any headaches or sinus issues for the last 3 and a half weeks since getting a reiki session done.  I feel like my face is going to explode now. Like my jaw and left eye are pulsating.
• My plans for the weekend which were to see Eat Pray Love  have been rescheduled because of the main person going out of town.

It's as if the energy in his email set off a whirlwind of chaos.

Aug 5th 2010

I was trying to keep it separate.

I thought, things have gotten too much, the wrong people have been reading me and I can no longer be honest.

So I created this blog.  Anonymous.  

Well, it was at first.  Then I got comfortable and opened up more then I had planned.  Soon, things got blended again.

Like my Facebook and Twitter.  I had the old accounts and when I created this blog, I created new ones for my blog buddies.  
People started to wonder what happened to me. Why I stopped using them.   Some I had to tell about the new accounts, some I have not.  
I've heard so many people, mostly women,  say on the blogging communities that they regret having given out blog/facebook/myspace/twitter urls to certain people.  I know how they feel.  I thought I had dealt with everything I needed to deal with  but sadly it seems today I have not.

I no longer know what I am doing.   I no longer know where my head is at or my heart for that matter.

Confusion, Chaos and Cookies (I needed another "C" word) seems to be the order of the day.

Wednesday July 21

Doorbell rang, woke me up.  Another book for review arrived by FedX
I'm already 2 weeks behind and have 3 other books sitting here.  

I haven't been to anyone's blog in about three weeks to visit, and I need to.

I wrote a short story on my Domestic and Damned blog, for Mr. S.  a piece of it was used on the show by one of the other wrestlers.   I was so excited I can not tell you.  It's not just Mr. S. anymore who likes my work.

As I checked my emails this morning,  there was a request from another writer asking to freelance on my vampire themed blog.   I checked out their stuff but I said no,  I am not looking to share any of my blogs with anyone again.  Just wondering how my blog got listed for a freelancer anyway?

And to cap off everything.    Men.
I was asked out on the weekend by a new guy. Another single dad.  I said yes to coffee, but he canceled last minute Saturday night.  I'm not really surprised or upset for that matter.  He just was not my style. 
Darius.  Darius whom I have not spoken to in a month because of his tantrum over Mr. S.  he emailed me Thursday night out of the blue acting as if nothing was different.  That seems to be his pattern.  I did not reply to him.  He emailed me again on Sunday.  I did not reply to him.  Then last night he emailed me saying he was talking to my mother. 

What the hell?  My mother?  Because I would not return an email. So I replied telling him off.  Within a few minutes he sent another email begging me not to shut him out. 
I was on chatting with Mel when all this happened, and Mel could not believe it either. 
And this is a guy I was only friends with.  If he acts like this with me, then no wonder his girlfriend dumped him. 

Coffee is ready going to have a very large cup and try to wake up. 

Summer = Crazy People

I woke up this morning to an email from Sophia the Wannabe Socialite.

"Hey you! With working and rehearsals and auditions and so many f**kin' birthdays this month, it was ridonkulous!   I'm subscribed to you on youtube.  I'm organizing a one act play festival PLUS doing burlesque shows this summer and applying for a grant to write my musical" 

 Yes, out of nowhere I get this email.  No thanks for the advice on the Eczema, no how are you doing, no what's up in your world.   Just a big old me me me from her. 

You know,  as a blogger, I spend my time being very me me me,  as do all bloggers it's what a blog is for; but when you get a personal email  you would expect a bit of give as well as take.

I did good!

You might have heard me say that I was reading this book this week for review.
I posted the review on my book blog here (under my other account/real name)
I really really liked this book. I've done reviews before and suffered with the whole thing. In case you haven't picked up on things, if I don't like something I'm not afraid to say so. Yes, I've given a bad review before.

But the Kitchen House was a brilliant read.
The author Kathleen Grissom is a wonderful writer, and given the topic of her novel, a very brave woman.

I woke this morning to find a personal thank you message in my email from her.
In the past, I've only heard back from press agents and publishers. So, to hear from the author herself, that totally made my week.

I am switching emails

You can still get me at the email listed currently with SITS, as I am not giving it up, but I have decided to create one blog, one email, one catch phrase for me. Which I know will take time to build.
I hope before too long to get a domain name with it which will make everything easier for myself and you.

With all that said, domesticanddamned@gmail.com is the email I'll be using.
I'll try to figure out how to forward everything to it.

Bitter like Lemons

You're cooking is always effected by your mood.
In my case tonight, it was lemons.   I read something that seemed odd in Mr. S's blog post today.  Short and pointless it was, and almost like he... like he was replying to something I had said. 
My Blog Partner refuses to believe that he would.  Mel says BP is jealous because none of her stuff is being used on the shows. Okay, I'll buy that.
I decided to make a cake to get my mind off things.  I chose a lemon cake with a lemon icing.  The cake turned out fine, but the icing didn't work. It ended up more a glaze. And everything got sticky.  Sticky and bitter.  Not too mention I found cuts on my hands I had no idea I had once the lemon juice hit them. Not fun.
It would be nice for once to have some actual real emotional/spiritual support from my friends instead of all this ... doubt. 
I plan on having my cake and eating it too. 

You are doing it wrong

I left a comment yesterday on SITS, with my morning roll call, asking the question "is it okay to point out to an official site they screwed up?"

Seems it is.

Why did I leave such randomness in my morning comments?
I have no idea, other then it was on my mind at the time.

For those of you who semi-follow this blog, you know that I do a wrestling blog. One that has gotten some attention from the industry. There are two big official "spoiler sheets" one for each of the main wrestling companies.
Yesterday, the one who works for TNA screwed up. They screwed up on their weekly review coverage of this week's show.

I let them know.
I know when you have more then one blogger working on your staff things can get hairy. It happens, and if you blog with partners or have co-blogged a few times you know it can.

Instead of doing an edit with a little "oooppps" or even just an extra post, they took down the entire review and got someone else to redo it.
I know this, because I subscribe to their email feeds.

And you are thinking why did I bother to do that? Well, it is an official site for starters, and that will just reflect bad on them and the wrestling company they are connected to. Not too mention so many fans go to that site for the updates if they missed an episode. And since we've once again entered into what is called the "Monday Night Wars" (both WWE and TNA are on the same nights at the same time now.) many fans are choosing to watch one show and just get the review for the other. In an odd way, it's the best thing that ever happened to us wrestling bloggers. We're the one's benefiting from this more then the wrestling companies themselves.

Complicated and crazy isn't it?

Why did I point out the screw up to what is technically my competition? Cause they are an official site. They get paid to do the reviews. I'm running just a fan based site which is not official.

My Oven!

Photo by Me copyright hcvp '09

At 4 pm my mom called me to tell me that in the sports page was a listing for a live wrestling event coming to town.
I got the information needed and sent an email asking if they have press packages for bloggers and told them about my wrestling blog.

I mixed up a batch of tea buns and put them in the oven, then emailed my buddy Darius to tell him about the wrestling event. He had started the blog with me last summer but it became too much with his band and already having a full time job. That's when I got the Blog Partner, that I am working with now. If you want to call it that.

While I was typing the email to Darius I heard a noise. It sounded like a chair scrapping across the floor. I live alone. Racing into the kitchen, I saw the oven was as bright as a bon-fire.
I have an old oven and there has never been a working oven light so this was odd.
I turned it off and opened the door. What I discovered was the element coil in the back was looking like a burst bubble and the screws were visible.

My landlord is away so I can't even tell him about if for a few days. I am without an oven. How am I suppose to cook?

And still waiting to hear back from that wrestling company to see about press. I'm really hoping they will send me a press package, as the main event is a local wrestler.

Cross your fingers that I will get both a new oven soon and an interview with the wrestler.

Dude what's the score?

In a follow up from my last post, It was Wednesday night before I saw the replay of the show and did my review column on my wrestling blog.
Everyone had me thinking horrible things, like uh oh maybe Mr. S. said something on air about the message, or maybe they used something from my blog again that put the blog in a bad light?

All it ended up being was that one wrestler I really can not stand has joined the company.
That's what everyone was so weird about?

I have a strict rule for the wrestling blog, no gossip. Only things that get reported are the reviews of that week's shows, any injuries that happen and any deaths. Nothing personal. Could be why compared to some of the other wrestling blogs out there, we are still scrapping the bottom. I've had to get rid of one blogger already because he was making up rumours and copying from one of the bigger blogs sites. Dude, that's just not cool.
I've been doing my best to get the blog noticed in the business, and the last thing I need is some d**k ruining the reputation of the blog.
I even got us nominated for a bloggers choice award for best sports blog of the year. I know full well it won't win this year, but I'm hoping to bring in new readers.

Oh my god you did not !

The other day I told you that Mr. S. blogged. This was the hot topic of that evening.
It led to SDG and Mel telling me to message him.
My mistake was blogging about the conversation on my main blog. The replies I got were all the same, do it!

So I did.

Then I made the mistake of telling Darius. He thinks I crossed the line this time.
That was Sunday afternoon, it is now Wednesday morning.

This was the week the show made a big schedule jump to Monday nights. I have not seen it yet as I have to wait for the replay. Everyone else watched it and the reactions are like this.

Blog Partner "I can't wait for your review this week."

Darius "Um Yeah, I liked the show this week...You need to...well I await your review cause...well."

Mel "Um I am not saying anything."

SDG "My lips are sealed. You don't like spoilers. But I can't wait for your review, should be interesting."

Great. Now I am wondering if it's something I should be worried about or not.

A second opinion

I received back half my novel from the editor. The rest is suppose to be coming to me after the weekend.
The first page was bleeding it was so red. After that point, there was barely anything touched. Does this mean I am a better writer then I thought or that my editor is not that good?
I am going to say I am a better writer then I even thought.

With that said, I was talking to my friend's mother. She's a retired English teacher. I sent her a copy of my unedited novel. Yes, I am cheating on my editor with an English teacher. Why? Well, I need a second opinion, as I found out that not only is spelling different from Canadian to American, but so is the way punctuation is done too.

I had no idea. Given that my novel is set in Canada, and will be marketed to a Canadian audience, I need to have all my bases covered. The good point in this is that my friend's mom is doing this for free.
My editor, I have to pay.

I was also talking to my buddy Mel tonight too about something totally different.

"You ever think that Mr. S. legally can not reply to your blog?" Mel said

I thought about this for the first time ever. "What?"

"Yeah, didn't you say that one of the guys from the other company has a disclaimer on his official site saying he's legally not allowed to interact on the net with fans? So wouldn't that hold true for the company Mr. S. works for?"

Oh my god.
This could explain a lot.

"Not saying that Darius, SDG, myself are wrong about him liking you." Mel continued "Cause I am more and more positive that he does. Just from the last thing he did to screw with your head. I think it's his way of replying to your blog."

This is what I love about Mel. He is the voice of reason at the weirdest times. Had he said this to me even 6 months ago, I would have handled the way I write my main blog different.

Is it Saturday yet?

Everything was down this morning when I tried to log in to check emails. Google was not working for whatever reason.
That meant, emails and blogs were unavailable to me. And since everything I do is through google/blogger this was little on the rough side for me.

I have a schedule. Get up, take morning pills, have coffee while checking emails/blogs, meditation, more coffee while doing some housework, phone mom, work on novel including returning emails to investor and editor, make dinner, read or watch a movie, another round of coffee and emails/blog stuff, meditation before bed.

This today tossed my schedule out the window.

It was bad enough I had to cover Blog Partner's share of the work this week on the wrestling blog, and my own column is not really complete as the show was not available this week here, causing me to hunt it down on youtube. The person who uploaded it did a bad job and half the show is missing. That means, later in the week when the official website finally up loads it after all the replays have aired on tv worldwide I will finally get to see the show and do a proper column. The BP has not done anything the last two weeks, nor have they returned my emails. I think it's done for them. I'm not holding my breath on them doing any more work.
I know I'm ranting today, but I told them right off what I was wanting to do with that blog. I am looking to turn it into more then just a hobby.

Anyway, I heard back from my Investor and told them about the Editor. At lest that part is going a little smoother. That's for the novel. Working on the second draft now.

Last night's dinner was ramen noodles with asparagus tips and onion. Wishing I had gotten a photo of it.

Creepy Text

My text message alert went off. Normally Darius is the only one who texts me so when I picked it up to read it, I was more then shocked that it was not from him. I have no idea who it was from.

"UR Hottzz. CU @8"


I am guessing either some one mis dialed their number it was meant to go to.
It's bad enough getting messages like that from the dating site I am part of from random men, but when they start showing up on my phone I'm getting alittle on the creeped out side.

I love your work, here is another stack

I got a nice email last week from the book company for my review. They asked if I could do some more stuff for them.
Um, sure. I 've done 5 already and this is the first time anyone has bothered to say thanks. Also the only time they have bothered to read the reviews it would seem. So I handed another wish list.
The lady on the other end of the email told me it was odd I was not on her mailing list, and then said she didn't have the copies of what I was wanting. Okay. Whatever.
Hoping to be moved anyway in the next month or two so not too worried if I don't get another shipment of books for awhile.
But, I went back through my emails, and saw it was a second representative from the one who sent me the stack last fall. I guess they don't share their lists.

The Dating Curve 2

After he asked me 3 times to phone him, I did. I found out Single Dad is actually 30 and has two kids.
That throws off the zodiac match. Damn! And I realized why such a good looking man is single. At first I was thinking that maybe he's a player, but after five minutes of talking on the phone with him, I realized he's a moron. And he's crude. Very crude.
How is it that men can be so different from the email version to the telephone version?
Not too mention boring. Boring boring boring. At three different points in the conversation, he asked what the time was and said he had to get to bed cause his kids are up early for school, and all three times I said okay nice talking to you, and then he would just keep going. It was more like nice listening to you, cause I didn't get more then a few words in edgewise. Then he asked what I was up to today. I without thinking said nothing. He said he'd call me at supper time.
Would it be wrong not to answer my phone?

The Dating Curve

I don't date dads. I have no desire for being around kids at all. I have no patience for kids.
This city is like a magnet for single dads. They are everywhere like rabbits.
I have broken my rule 3 times in the past and it was never a good thing. Never.

Last night I got a message on the dating site I joined from a single dad. I have turned down more single dads in the last 8 months since being on this dating site then I can count. I had my finger on the delete key when something said give him a shot. If nothing else, a new friend.

What made me keep this one in the inbox? Everything else matched up to what I am looking for in a guy. He's in his late 20's, dark eyes, dark hair, pale, and is an Aquarius. So that makes him an Aquarius Pig. (he's 26 so he would have been born in the year of the Pig. My perfect Astrological match is either an Aquarius-Dog or a Gemini-Pig, but this is close very very close)

He messaged a few times last night, and this morning offered his phone number. I told him that was too quick but did give him my private email. He seems nice so far.

8 PM texting

how it going? -Darius

Could be bettterr. i hate text. email me- ME

not home. -Darius

Sending U emial anyywa. -ME


I have this thing about using my cell phone as just a cell phone. The art of text messaging is a lost thing on me. Not because I am against it, because I mess up too much. Lucky for me, my buddy Darius is the only one I really text. The rest of the time I email or just phone.

The email went like this

"I think that Mr. S. voted on the poll on my blog this week. I just checked it. There was a new vote just before the poll closed. I am sure it was him. On my main blog I mean."

I am still waiting for Darius to get home. Which, given the fact he has a girlfriend might not be till tomorrow. We have some half proofs that Mr. S. reads one of my sites, and has for a while. I just don't understand why he's never said so much as Hi. yet?


I had a short chat with SDG about Caleb and her blog too tonight.

"I saw them talk about my blog on air." SDG said on skype

"That's great. I told you it would just take some time. Now you understand why I am the way I am about things showing up on the show last summer. So no more negative sounds out of you."

"I promise. Now I just have to work harder at what I write." SDG replied.

"Yes. Oh, I think Caleb is reading my blog. He's been smiling a lot more. I know I posted about him never smiling much and now out of nowhere he is."

SDG just sat there for a few minutes silent. I wasn't sure if she was even paying attention to me. Then she replied
"It's not that I don't like Caleb, its just that he's so...I don't know. I still think you are wasting your time with liking him. He's so pasty looking. At lest we know you and I will never go after the same men. Different tastes."

I am really not sure what to think of SDG. Is she really in the mind set that I'm lower then a guy like Caleb or is there something I am missing? Shouldn't your friends be there to support you when you have a crush ?